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The 13th Warrior

video review out of 4

All-Reviews.com Movie Review: The 13th Warrior

Starring: Antonio Banderas, Diane Venora
Director: John McTiernan
Rated: R
RunTime: 114 Minutes
Release Date: August 1999
Genre: Action


*Also starring: Omar Sharif, Dennis Storhoi



Review by MattAFreakMoviwrtr
1 star out of 4

"Antonio Banderas was the 13th round draft choice onto the Vikings during their worst season"

(The 13th Warrior)

I think that pretty much sums up this crapp..er..poopy movie, but I'll elaborate for the sake of this review. But not much.

Many moons ago, best selling author, Michael Crichton (Jurassic Park, Sphere, Rising Sun) wrote a shorter novel titled Eaters of the Dead. The story centered around a writer who travels with the Norsemen (Vikings) and chronicles their various adventures, battles, etc. I generally finish a novel within a few days..it took me a month to read this short book, and it was the graphic depiction of the battles that carried me through (color me sicko). Now, normally, a battle scene is no big deal..we see and read about them all the time. But these warriors were not taking on other men...they were fighting monsters, creatures and demons. Heads were ripped off, body parts were flung everywhere, and survivors were doing the Macarena at night.. Gruesome stuff. Then a came a time when I received word of the novel being made into a movie.

WOO HOO!

I could see it now..CGI (fx) GALORE!

Well, it was finally released and I did get my chance to 'WooHoo!'...unfortunately, it came during the ENDING credits.

In other words, this movie stunk.

I don't care if Crichton wrote it, John (Die Hard) McTiernan directed it, and Antonio (stud monkey) acted in it..it blew chunkage.

Why?

I'll sum it up because I've already written more than I cared to.

1st, too much story early on and no action. I realize the director wanted to explain the lifestyles of the rugged Vikings and miscast Banderas, but that was already a given.

2nd, where's the beasts? I want monsters! I want CGI, badass lookin', head rippin' demons. What I got were a lot of Darth Maul make-up'd men in bear costumes.

3rd, where was Catherine Zeta-Jones? Cindy Crawford? Oh wait..I forgot this was a movie for guys who like (to fall asleep to) movies.

4th, Antonio's character's name was longer than the line for the Jurassic Park ride! I realize that's trivial but it was pretty humorous in a film that was trying to be serious. Yes, we were given battle scenes..but I saw the same caca in "Braveheart".

Yes, we were treated to be-headings...but I saw the same caca in "Bravehead". There was no point to this flick other than to preach about pride, strength and never giving up...all of which I saw in..

Don't waste your time and money!

Instead, go re-rent...you got it!

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