First, it should be known that the original "Jaws" is my fave film,
but I did not go into the 'Sea' expecting a "Jaws" for the 90's..there
was no chance of that even remotely happening. I simply viewed this
in order to stir up my phobia for sharks.
They terrify me.
"Well, duh, everybody is afraid of sharks."
Probably, but does that cause everybody to fear even
No, I'm not kidding.
All right, so then why in the hell would I go see a film involving my worst fear?
I am a horror fanatic, but not much scares me. SHARKS DO.
And I love being scared, so naturally, those finned fluckers are about
the only thing that is going to do it. And they DID do it..but that
doesn't suggest the film was good.
(Hell, a painting of a shark frightens me)
So, when I heard about a new shark flick coming out and heard that
there would be several sharks that would be bigger, faster, smarter,
and the CGI to support them, I HAD to rush out to freak myself up.
As it turns out, it's a damn good thing that I expected nothing more
from this film than my own personal freak factor, because without
those prefabricated bastards, this film is nothing more than chicken
(shark) sh*t one-liners and a cool poster.
So lets look at our victims.er...our cast: Michael Rappappappaport,
Samuel L Jackson, Dr. Sharkenstein (some English Chic), 2 scrubs, and LL Cool J.
Several 'red flags' jump out instantly. Or they should.unless you
dig cheesy action flicks, no-names and rap-actors.
The story line (basically ONE line.barely, but I'll exaggerate it)
is as follows: some scientist chic is looking for the cure to a disease
and instead of using guinea pigs, rats, Siberian snow yaks or Barney,
she feels the need to use SHARKS. And it just so happens that this
experiment will require the victims to acquire larger brains.
Well, I don't know about you, but what do ya say we test it on..um...SHARKS!
And, as you guessed it, our sharkage aren't your typical crash test
dummies, and they get pissed and decide to take it out on our cast.which
makes sense since most of our cast are dummies.
But wait! We have an Oscar nominee in our company (Samuel), and he
managed to kick some 'Pulp' butt a few years back, not to mention
the butt of just about every other character to come into contact
with him since then! And since Roy (Jaws) Scheider won his 2 battles
with a gun and electric pipe, all Samuel has to do is whip out a few
lines from the bible and he'll intimidate the sharks to death (and
a few swear words couldn't hurt).
BUT, I AM happy to say that his character did supply one of the most
shocking scenes I have ever witnessed in a film (because I am a sucker wimp for sharks).
In other words, we have a lot of people running (swimming) from a
lot of badass sharks. However, I was lead to believe that our super
fishies maneuvered (wobbled) much slower when filmed from above the
water as opposed to under the water where they hit Warp-9 and munched
some cast-a**. Therefore, our casties would have had a better chance
of being in the inevitable sequel had they stuck next to the 'establishing
shot' camera dudes.
(pardon me.filmmaker inside joke)
But, we HAD to have blood and guts to avoid being a Disney flick,
so the director had to convince the actors to fall into the water
once in awhile.or at least walk around in it, so that our Jawsies would earn their money.
As a result, we were treated to moments from Jaws 1,2 & 3..which makes
sense since we were dining with 3 disease-curing shark studs.
BUT, I will give it one ounce of credit. There was a line spoken from
a character that was pretty funny, though dead on:
"Bruthas never survive things like this."