Jamie Blanks's VALENTINE is as generic a horror movie as you're ever likely
to find. Starring a bevy of beauties who are sliced and diced by a killer
with a big shiny knife and a baby-doll mask, the movie is cast with
twentysomething stars acting like teenagers. Between violent interludes in
the Land of the Rich and Gorgeous, the story titillates us as the handsome
characters frolic in their mansions.
"Roses are red," reads one of the threatening valentines that come to our
lovely lasses, including Paige (Denise Richards), Kate (Marley Shelton) and
Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw). "Violets are blue. They'll need dental records
to identify you." So sweet. Another time they get chocolates laced with
maggots. So tasty.
You could write the script yourself and undoubtedly do a better job. Still,
there are a few parts that aren't bad. One involves a trophy wife who swaps
barbs with her stepdaughter of the same age. Another has one of the
lovelies rinsing her hair in the toilet when the water goes out. And,
finally, there is a Turbo Dating service that gives each guy 30 seconds to
make his pitch before being summarily rejected by our catty stars.
One of my favorite ridiculous parts occurs when Dorothy takes a shower and
washes her hair, an activity popular in this show with exemplary hygiene.
Although squeaky clean, she manages to keep on her makeup and lipstick.
So devoid of any imagination, VALENTINE makes one yearn for such mediocre
fare as I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. It's pretty pathetic when you find
yourself wishing that you were at a better bad movie.
VALENTINE runs 1:37. It is rated R for strong horror violence, some
sexuality and language and would be acceptable for older teenagers.
Copyright © 2001 Steve Rhodes